Not certain what to write...

I won't say I've never written a blog... that's not true. But I've never written one that was strictly for myself. Always has the conscious thought of "who'll be reading this?" been in my head while writing. And thusly, my thoughts don't truly make it to the page in their raw form, but masked and prettied up in some form deemed acceptable to the possible judgment of others...

Why do we care so much about wat others think? To the point where what we truly want to say remains hidden and burried deep because we're too afraid of what they may say or do.. It frustrates me. Everyone has some secrets. But there are times when we just need to tell all... To get out of our systems the things that plague our minds and hearts. And can we really do that if we're too afraid of others' opinions to keep from cencoring ourselves? I don't think so, but that's just me..

I wasn't going to start a blog. But it 'is' an outlet. Something I need right now. I'm looked at by some as strong. But sometimes I feel truly weak. And the inability to fully turn to others with those weaknesses is infuriating. It's not pride that keeps my mouth shut. It's actually insecurity. I place my own self worth at a very little value. I know this. But the worth of my friends and loved ones is immeasurable. Not simply in contrast but in general. So naturally, my own worries seem unimportant and are pushed aside... How I wish I could be selfish and bear my soul, unedited and raw. "Here I am. This is all of me..."

God, I miss the feeling of telling all with no fear of judgment. Placing your trust so completely in someone that you leave yourself vulnerable if only for a chance to be helped or simply understood. I smile in quiet envy at those who have this now. But I truly am happy for them. I hope they each know how fortunate they are to have that, but more importantly, I hope they never lose it... I don't know what to write right now in terms of specifics.. So much is on my mind that it's difficult to pick a starting point. But I find a small comfort in the fact that this is here. Sure, I'd prefer someone to listen as I tell all. But I don't have that right now. So 'talking' to a blog that no one reads will have to do.. Maybe I'll gain the courage to stop masking over the ones that do get read... in time..