Busy, stressed and confused

Dear blog,

It looks like I forgot about you for some time now. Truth is, I've been without a real outlet on a lot of things for so long, I've lost track of the time. It's weird... Like I'm in some timeless dream where worries swallow me until all self awareness of goings on around me is gone. And all that remains is the questions, worries and woes.. People depend on me to not get lost in such a dreamworld and deal with life's little events in real time. Right now especially, I'm very busy with events over the next month and a bit. But even among actually getting things done, I never really let my worries go very far.

You know, rather than even deal with things by writing them out, I'm so tempted to just say "screw it" or "I care too much.. gotta stop that". Or better yet, erase the past few years in large part. Tons has happened since I last bothered to write. I lost someone dear to me and despite trying hard not to care, they're not out of my heart just yet. Heck, they're the latest in a long string of jabs to the heart. I'm holding on for dear life to the last one I have left. Cherishing it and yet not clutching too tightly. Giving it room to grow for fear of losing it should I clasp too tightly.... God, they'd smack me if they heard me spouting poetic bull like this. "fess up and just say what you're feeling" they'd say. Heh... I love you too you arrogant little... *smirk*
Bluntly, I have one person left who occupies the category of precious treasure. I can't really see them leaving completely. They've put up with me for over a decade now *smile* But still, I'm terrified... I can deal with losing the last treasure that left... it hurts, but dammit he's the ass who cut me off. Long as he's happy, that's all that really matters now.. But if I lost this one........ I think it might kill me. Sheesh, my two "sisters" are right... I am closer to this baka than I thought...

Jesus, caring for so many sure can suck..... Mind you the ones who never seemed to understand my heart have already left it anyways. Well, left me anyway... They're still in there.. The Lunkhead, the Idiot... even Army Douche. I'll probably always care for all of them, the jerks.. Oh yeah, Catboy too... Although thinking about him hasn't hurt in a long time thank god.

Now I feel like a moron reflecting on all the guys I've loved, but frankly it helps to hash out my heart once in a while. Bottom line, only two of them have never let me down. My dear soulmate and late true love of course is the first. The other? Well isn't it obvious?

My last treasure of course.. The one who has always treated me like a precious treasure of his own. Even though I was often "the other woman" or "the one that got away". He often questions my need for a label. Heck, I just recently realized I've been rediculous in wanting one. It doesn't matter what I am to him as long as he always feels I'm someone he can trust. Turn to and open up to. That's all I really want for him. That and his happiness. I promised myself that I'd never pester him about "us" again. Not after his last answer.. I'll leave it be. Still, I backed off after it seemed he did not want my heart in that way. Put myself purely into friend mode. Safety measure I guess. Not wanting to lose him at any cost and all that... So why the hell did he turn around and turn back into the sweet caring protector asking if I'm alright when he hears nothing? The loving hand that holds mine making sure I smile? Heck, I nearly fell over when he suddenly offered words of apology and love. Grr, I despise the confusing creature that is man.... Then again, I suppose men aren't crazy about us complex women either...

Oh well... Long as I can be there for him in whatever way he needs, that's enough. I no longer care about labels. I care about the bond. I'll be damned if I ever let it die. It means too much to me. *sigh* I think I can get back to work now. That just needed to get out. Sure, there's tons of other stuff on my mind, but one thing at a time okay?
Thank you dear blog for becoming my outlet once more. I appreciate it. Now, to close off the feelings once more and get something accomplished today. *wanders off to work*

I'm not good at these titles..

Well blog.. I need you again. It's finally hit. A certain significant time I've been anticipating for a while now.. You know how some people are really good at recalling significant dates? I'm notorious for it. Dates from events both good and bad stick with me like glue.

Normally I enjoy nostalgia.. But this next little while is a mixed bag.. Today in particular sucks.. I'll explain why in a minute. Since last June I've been anticipating sadness, longing, depression and a whole slew of emotions relating to significant dates over the next 8 months or so. It's been 10 years since one of the most turbulent parts of my life.. Guess I'll start at the beginning.

Ten years ago last June, I fell in love, real love for the first time. Everything before that was a childish fantasy of what I thought love was. That July, my love put us on hold, starting my first experience with emotional roller coasters. The following December, my heart went through the roof again as he rekindled what was once on hold. All 3 of these anniversaries have passed now with little more than a nod and a sigh from me. Now the hard part.....

Today is February 13th.. Also Friday the the 13th and the day before Valentines.. 10 years ago this date also fell on that most unlucky of Fridays.. On that day, I got my heart broken. My love dumped me. Yes, this is the infamous "too clingy" break-up... The one that still hurts after all these years. Worse than that is the circumstances I find myself in today..
The dumping took place at the anime club we both attended all those years ago. Well, I still go, and luck of luck, oh joy, it's tonight... Yes, I get to revisit the scene of the crime, lucky me.... My only blessing is that he won't be there.

I'll get through tonight, no doubt about that. It's just difficult with my memory. Remembering these dates gets annoying sometimes.. It gets more pleasant from here on in, but still the longing for yesteryear will be there... All the dates after today are for my late fiance. First kiss, official start of the relationship, proposal.. all the nice memories. So at least there'll be a smile among the tears for those. It's only today that's just plain painful..
Honestly, who gets dumped the day before the most romantic day on the calendar?? Me, that's who.. *sigh* And people wonder why I still bother to recall it.. I didn't have time to resent Valentines Day after that year because by the next I was in a wonderful relationship with my fiance. But now.... I hate the day again..

So, if I can get through today and tomorrow, I'll be fine. Till then, I'm in one lousy mood.. Take care dear blog and thanks for yet another chance to vent..

Hurt...

Dear blog,

I really need you right now.. Rather, I really need to get this horrible weight off my chest. I've had so many worries and doubts lately.. I did reveal some of them the other night to one of the best listeners out there. Heh.. *smiles weakly* And that really helped at the time. But thanks to my worrying "I'm a burden to others and their problems are more important" nature, I held back a lot...
Believe me, I wanted to tell all.. or at least more. I hate the idea that if people knew how much I withheld they'd mistake it for a lack of trust in them. That couldn't be further from the truth. But, I digress as it now seems I'm stalling.. Okay, here goes...

I'm currently in the darkest loneliest part of an all too familiar cycle.. Days turn to weeks and I hear nothing from the one who's slowly creeping further into my heart.. This of course leads me into doubt every time... Silence does that to me.. I hate the piercing sound of nothingness. I live alone so I'm used to quiet. Even loneliness. But when some one's on my mind and that someone is temporarily off my radar, it's like fear of unknown takes over....

It's really ridiculous when I think about it.. I spend x amount of time worrying sick about what the reasons could be for my hearing nothing, come up with improbable scenarios for why I'm left with no answers just so I have SOME answers to fill the void (even false ones..) and then drive myself slowly insane until I finally hear something. Then proceed to be so focused on being happy to hear from him, I forget the worry until he disappears and it starts all over..

This is insane... I've been in this "relationship" or whatever it is since early November.. He's viewed us as being in it for longer apparently but I know not how long. There's problem number one. I should know that detail shouldn't I? Problem two; sporadic communication. This emotional roller coaster of intense but brief highs and long drawn out lows is slowly killing me... I want so badly to give this a chance to work. I'm still figuring out how far I've fallen. I don't want things to go wrong before I've even cleared up the first round of confusion...

When we were nothing more than close friends, not hearing from him for a long time was normal. Routine even. Now..... The pace picked up a little but it's still nowhere near what I'd expect communication between two people in a relationship to be... I worked up the courage to tell him this once... A real feat for me since I can't seem to get past giggling like a flaky schoolgirl every time we talk.. He said he'd really try to work on improving communication. We both need to improve. I'm not perfect. God, could I ever even claim to be? Me, think perfection of myself? Please!

*sigh* Writing this out is harder than I thought. I know what I want to say but the words won't come... It's the same as when I wish to talk out my worries with him... Nothing comes out. And this is but a blog. Imagine the real attempt...
I guess more than anything it hurts not to be certain.. I'm certain of one thing. I do love him and I want him to be happy. I want to be happy too but somehow that's still secondary with me... Yes, I know, I have to fix that...

I just can't bring myself to tell him how much this uncertainty and lack of answers hurts... I miss the calls... the texts just to say "I love you".... the cute messages on my machine... In all fairness, I don't put enough effort into calling either.. I hold back. I know he has his own life and I'm always afraid of pestering him... God I feel pathetic right now...
I just want to spend more time with him, Get to know him on a separate level from the friend I know so well.. We haven't had any chance to explore each other's feelings or thoughts on this whole thing...

The communication as it stands would be fine if we were still just friends... Heck I found myself declaring silently that I would prefer that over uncertainty... scary... Being so confused and lost that I'd prefer going backwards just because it's familiar territory? *sigh* It doesn't help that I have fears left over from long ago...

For starters, I have fears of him leaving me if I push too hard... I once got dumped for being too clingy... and although that was years ago and I've matured and grown, it still hurts enough to fuel that fear.. Then there's the fear of reality shattering whatever fantasy 'on a pedestal' image he may have of me.. We haven't met yet... I want to be wonderful for him. He deserves wonderful. And I'm just me. Plain overweight, insecure needy little me... I really don't want to disappoint him...

So uncertain about all this am I that barely anyone knows I'm in a relationship at all... I can almost count on one hand the people who do know... My fiance died over three and a half years ago.. I still miss him and I always will. I'm fortunate that his family and I are still so close. That's one of my more prominent fears right now... Losing them. I love Mom, Dad and Jon so much. I don't want there to be distance when it's out that I've "moved on". I write that in quotes because I'll never really move on from my fiance. I hate that phrase. It feels like forgetting him and I can't and won't do that. Even if this falls apart and I go back to having a wonderful friend, I want the people who earned places in my heart to all stay there. All of them.
I guess the biggest fear is getting hurt again.... My heart's already fragile. It's been through so much and I don't know how strong I'd be after yet more heartache..

Whatever happens, I want to be there for him... I know it's wrong to push my own needs aside but I can't help it... At least for now, I'm still more used to putting others first.... God, I sound so self righteous... It's insecurity, not sainthood... But that's a topic for another day..

For now, I have to just keep trying.... Keep texting, keep calling, keep praying... And hope for the chance to have the courage I need to bring up my needs to him without fear.. I know he'll be understanding and patient if I can just get the words out... I just can't go on with communication so few and far between anymore... it's killing me.. And putting him out of my mind so I won't worry myself sick isn't just not the answer. It's also plain wrong... I want the chance to be happy. And if I can just get him to work with me and not just separate from me... it just might ^_^ I hope...

Christmas breezes by again

Wow, Christmas went by so fast. I have to say, this has been one of the best ones I've had in recent years. Usually, I'd spend Christmas with my late fiance's parents (and of course, my 'brother'). My second family as it were. But this year I went up there a week early, having a sort of pre-xmas with them and spending Christmas Eve and Day respectively with my mother. It's been a long time since it was just the two of us.

I haven't had much time to talk to friends since everyone is busy with their own families, but I'm sure that I'll start hearing from people again after New Years. In the mean time, I'll just keep the people I love on my mind and hope everyone's having a good holiday. I know I have.

I have to admit... I do have one regret. Thanks to a series of snow storms here, I haven't made it to the post office in over a week. I was supposed to mail out two gifts this year to some very treasured people online. One gift was bound for Texas, the other, all the way out to the Netherlands. Sadly, neither made it out in time for Christmas. I've talked to both recipiants and they know to expect their gifts late, but I still feel badly. Hopefully, the gifts themselves will make it worth the wait. Of course, if I had the money, I'd hand deliver them, but that won't happen. Maybe I'll luck out and win the lottery this year. ^_^

I'm not really sure what else to write dear blog. Nothing's troubling me at the moment. Heh, the Christmas season will do that to a person. But I have a feeling once the merriment dies down, I'll need you again. So until loneliness rears its' ugly head, or I have some news, whichever comes first, I bid you adieu and happy holidays.

Not certain what to write...

I won't say I've never written a blog... that's not true. But I've never written one that was strictly for myself. Always has the conscious thought of "who'll be reading this?" been in my head while writing. And thusly, my thoughts don't truly make it to the page in their raw form, but masked and prettied up in some form deemed acceptable to the possible judgment of others...

Why do we care so much about wat others think? To the point where what we truly want to say remains hidden and burried deep because we're too afraid of what they may say or do.. It frustrates me. Everyone has some secrets. But there are times when we just need to tell all... To get out of our systems the things that plague our minds and hearts. And can we really do that if we're too afraid of others' opinions to keep from cencoring ourselves? I don't think so, but that's just me..

I wasn't going to start a blog. But it 'is' an outlet. Something I need right now. I'm looked at by some as strong. But sometimes I feel truly weak. And the inability to fully turn to others with those weaknesses is infuriating. It's not pride that keeps my mouth shut. It's actually insecurity. I place my own self worth at a very little value. I know this. But the worth of my friends and loved ones is immeasurable. Not simply in contrast but in general. So naturally, my own worries seem unimportant and are pushed aside... How I wish I could be selfish and bear my soul, unedited and raw. "Here I am. This is all of me..."

God, I miss the feeling of telling all with no fear of judgment. Placing your trust so completely in someone that you leave yourself vulnerable if only for a chance to be helped or simply understood. I smile in quiet envy at those who have this now. But I truly am happy for them. I hope they each know how fortunate they are to have that, but more importantly, I hope they never lose it... I don't know what to write right now in terms of specifics.. So much is on my mind that it's difficult to pick a starting point. But I find a small comfort in the fact that this is here. Sure, I'd prefer someone to listen as I tell all. But I don't have that right now. So 'talking' to a blog that no one reads will have to do.. Maybe I'll gain the courage to stop masking over the ones that do get read... in time..