Hurt...

Dear blog,

I really need you right now.. Rather, I really need to get this horrible weight off my chest. I've had so many worries and doubts lately.. I did reveal some of them the other night to one of the best listeners out there. Heh.. *smiles weakly* And that really helped at the time. But thanks to my worrying "I'm a burden to others and their problems are more important" nature, I held back a lot...
Believe me, I wanted to tell all.. or at least more. I hate the idea that if people knew how much I withheld they'd mistake it for a lack of trust in them. That couldn't be further from the truth. But, I digress as it now seems I'm stalling.. Okay, here goes...

I'm currently in the darkest loneliest part of an all too familiar cycle.. Days turn to weeks and I hear nothing from the one who's slowly creeping further into my heart.. This of course leads me into doubt every time... Silence does that to me.. I hate the piercing sound of nothingness. I live alone so I'm used to quiet. Even loneliness. But when some one's on my mind and that someone is temporarily off my radar, it's like fear of unknown takes over....

It's really ridiculous when I think about it.. I spend x amount of time worrying sick about what the reasons could be for my hearing nothing, come up with improbable scenarios for why I'm left with no answers just so I have SOME answers to fill the void (even false ones..) and then drive myself slowly insane until I finally hear something. Then proceed to be so focused on being happy to hear from him, I forget the worry until he disappears and it starts all over..

This is insane... I've been in this "relationship" or whatever it is since early November.. He's viewed us as being in it for longer apparently but I know not how long. There's problem number one. I should know that detail shouldn't I? Problem two; sporadic communication. This emotional roller coaster of intense but brief highs and long drawn out lows is slowly killing me... I want so badly to give this a chance to work. I'm still figuring out how far I've fallen. I don't want things to go wrong before I've even cleared up the first round of confusion...

When we were nothing more than close friends, not hearing from him for a long time was normal. Routine even. Now..... The pace picked up a little but it's still nowhere near what I'd expect communication between two people in a relationship to be... I worked up the courage to tell him this once... A real feat for me since I can't seem to get past giggling like a flaky schoolgirl every time we talk.. He said he'd really try to work on improving communication. We both need to improve. I'm not perfect. God, could I ever even claim to be? Me, think perfection of myself? Please!

*sigh* Writing this out is harder than I thought. I know what I want to say but the words won't come... It's the same as when I wish to talk out my worries with him... Nothing comes out. And this is but a blog. Imagine the real attempt...
I guess more than anything it hurts not to be certain.. I'm certain of one thing. I do love him and I want him to be happy. I want to be happy too but somehow that's still secondary with me... Yes, I know, I have to fix that...

I just can't bring myself to tell him how much this uncertainty and lack of answers hurts... I miss the calls... the texts just to say "I love you".... the cute messages on my machine... In all fairness, I don't put enough effort into calling either.. I hold back. I know he has his own life and I'm always afraid of pestering him... God I feel pathetic right now...
I just want to spend more time with him, Get to know him on a separate level from the friend I know so well.. We haven't had any chance to explore each other's feelings or thoughts on this whole thing...

The communication as it stands would be fine if we were still just friends... Heck I found myself declaring silently that I would prefer that over uncertainty... scary... Being so confused and lost that I'd prefer going backwards just because it's familiar territory? *sigh* It doesn't help that I have fears left over from long ago...

For starters, I have fears of him leaving me if I push too hard... I once got dumped for being too clingy... and although that was years ago and I've matured and grown, it still hurts enough to fuel that fear.. Then there's the fear of reality shattering whatever fantasy 'on a pedestal' image he may have of me.. We haven't met yet... I want to be wonderful for him. He deserves wonderful. And I'm just me. Plain overweight, insecure needy little me... I really don't want to disappoint him...

So uncertain about all this am I that barely anyone knows I'm in a relationship at all... I can almost count on one hand the people who do know... My fiance died over three and a half years ago.. I still miss him and I always will. I'm fortunate that his family and I are still so close. That's one of my more prominent fears right now... Losing them. I love Mom, Dad and Jon so much. I don't want there to be distance when it's out that I've "moved on". I write that in quotes because I'll never really move on from my fiance. I hate that phrase. It feels like forgetting him and I can't and won't do that. Even if this falls apart and I go back to having a wonderful friend, I want the people who earned places in my heart to all stay there. All of them.
I guess the biggest fear is getting hurt again.... My heart's already fragile. It's been through so much and I don't know how strong I'd be after yet more heartache..

Whatever happens, I want to be there for him... I know it's wrong to push my own needs aside but I can't help it... At least for now, I'm still more used to putting others first.... God, I sound so self righteous... It's insecurity, not sainthood... But that's a topic for another day..

For now, I have to just keep trying.... Keep texting, keep calling, keep praying... And hope for the chance to have the courage I need to bring up my needs to him without fear.. I know he'll be understanding and patient if I can just get the words out... I just can't go on with communication so few and far between anymore... it's killing me.. And putting him out of my mind so I won't worry myself sick isn't just not the answer. It's also plain wrong... I want the chance to be happy. And if I can just get him to work with me and not just separate from me... it just might ^_^ I hope...