Busy, stressed and confused

Dear blog,

It looks like I forgot about you for some time now. Truth is, I've been without a real outlet on a lot of things for so long, I've lost track of the time. It's weird... Like I'm in some timeless dream where worries swallow me until all self awareness of goings on around me is gone. And all that remains is the questions, worries and woes.. People depend on me to not get lost in such a dreamworld and deal with life's little events in real time. Right now especially, I'm very busy with events over the next month and a bit. But even among actually getting things done, I never really let my worries go very far.

You know, rather than even deal with things by writing them out, I'm so tempted to just say "screw it" or "I care too much.. gotta stop that". Or better yet, erase the past few years in large part. Tons has happened since I last bothered to write. I lost someone dear to me and despite trying hard not to care, they're not out of my heart just yet. Heck, they're the latest in a long string of jabs to the heart. I'm holding on for dear life to the last one I have left. Cherishing it and yet not clutching too tightly. Giving it room to grow for fear of losing it should I clasp too tightly.... God, they'd smack me if they heard me spouting poetic bull like this. "fess up and just say what you're feeling" they'd say. Heh... I love you too you arrogant little... *smirk*
Bluntly, I have one person left who occupies the category of precious treasure. I can't really see them leaving completely. They've put up with me for over a decade now *smile* But still, I'm terrified... I can deal with losing the last treasure that left... it hurts, but dammit he's the ass who cut me off. Long as he's happy, that's all that really matters now.. But if I lost this one........ I think it might kill me. Sheesh, my two "sisters" are right... I am closer to this baka than I thought...

Jesus, caring for so many sure can suck..... Mind you the ones who never seemed to understand my heart have already left it anyways. Well, left me anyway... They're still in there.. The Lunkhead, the Idiot... even Army Douche. I'll probably always care for all of them, the jerks.. Oh yeah, Catboy too... Although thinking about him hasn't hurt in a long time thank god.

Now I feel like a moron reflecting on all the guys I've loved, but frankly it helps to hash out my heart once in a while. Bottom line, only two of them have never let me down. My dear soulmate and late true love of course is the first. The other? Well isn't it obvious?

My last treasure of course.. The one who has always treated me like a precious treasure of his own. Even though I was often "the other woman" or "the one that got away". He often questions my need for a label. Heck, I just recently realized I've been rediculous in wanting one. It doesn't matter what I am to him as long as he always feels I'm someone he can trust. Turn to and open up to. That's all I really want for him. That and his happiness. I promised myself that I'd never pester him about "us" again. Not after his last answer.. I'll leave it be. Still, I backed off after it seemed he did not want my heart in that way. Put myself purely into friend mode. Safety measure I guess. Not wanting to lose him at any cost and all that... So why the hell did he turn around and turn back into the sweet caring protector asking if I'm alright when he hears nothing? The loving hand that holds mine making sure I smile? Heck, I nearly fell over when he suddenly offered words of apology and love. Grr, I despise the confusing creature that is man.... Then again, I suppose men aren't crazy about us complex women either...

Oh well... Long as I can be there for him in whatever way he needs, that's enough. I no longer care about labels. I care about the bond. I'll be damned if I ever let it die. It means too much to me. *sigh* I think I can get back to work now. That just needed to get out. Sure, there's tons of other stuff on my mind, but one thing at a time okay?
Thank you dear blog for becoming my outlet once more. I appreciate it. Now, to close off the feelings once more and get something accomplished today. *wanders off to work*